Facing the decision “to tell or not to tell” your loved one
Facing the decision “to tell or not to tell” your loved one about
the diagnosis
Written by Risa Levovsky
Caregiver-Journalist-Advocate for Successful Aging
www.alzheimers-tips.com
Our physician feels my husband has Alzheimer’s disease. He is
unaware that his memory is failing. Should we tell him?
Some caregivers opt to tell their loved ones the truth:
One caregiver’s her experience with honesty:
My husband and I never kept secrets from one another. I requested
that the physician share the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and
how it will impact both of our lives. He truly appreciated the fact
that I upheld our vow of honesty.
After careful thought and with much hesitation, I asked our Rabbi to
assist me in telling my wife that she had Alzheimer’s disease. She
took it very calmly at the time. Later, when we were alone, she
became very angry with me. She was in denial for sometime.
A recently diagnosed individual takes an active role in making his
wishes known:
At sixty-five, my husband Jim was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
disease. In anticipation of his own fate, he asked our attorney to
prepare a living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare
for both of us. We called an emergency family meeting in our home.
There, we presented copies of these documents and conveyed our
wishes to our children.
An individual with Alzheimer’s disease shares her feelings:
After years of suffering alone, I got up the courage to asking my
family if I was crazy or if I was loosing her mind. A physician’s
visit revealed to all of us that I was suffering from Alzheimer’s
disease.
More emotional experiences:
Several years ago, our minister assisted me in telling my wife that
she had Alzheimer’s disease. After we left the church, she became
angry and defensive. She refused to believe that she had memory
problems. Six years later, she has forgotten about the discussion.
In church, she still remembers all the hymns and covers up for her
memory loss with her social graces. As her husband of 40 years, I
accepted that this illness is her fate and don’t want to anger her
again by reminding her of the devastating truth.
Four years ago, our entire immediate family gathered at our family
physician’s office. As they sat together with our father, the
physician explained that he had Alzheimer’s disease. It was very
emotional for all of us as the physician described the possible
consequences of having an incurable brain disease.
Five years later, my father constantly asks us if he is losing his
mind. He knows that something is wrong but has forgotten that
emotional day. As his children, we have not forgotten his pain.
To protect him from any further pain, we tell him that he is a
remarkable man and that it is normal to forget things at his age.
This reply makes him feel like he is still a smart person and that
he is no different from his peers. This is the way our family copes
with the situation.
Some caregivers opt not to tell their loved ones:
Caregiver’s share their experiences:
After years of struggling with progressive memory loss, I decided
not to tell my husband that he was suffering from Alzheimer’s
disease. My children and I felt that because he was so far along, he
could not comprehend the fact that he was suffering from an
incurable illness.
Mother often says, “my memory is just not the same anymore.”
Instead of upsetting her with the specific details of her illness,
we say, “It must be old age.”
Some people have made it clear to their loved ones in advance that
they do not wish to know:
A caregiver shares her own experience:
My wife made it clear that she did not wish to know if she had a
serious illness. When the diagnosis was made, I chose to tell her
she had a slight memory problem. The truth would upset her and would
go against her wishes.
Good News:
There is no right answer to this important question. Each situation
is different. There are many social workers, clergy members and
family counselors who can assist you in coming to this difficult
decision.
Copyright 2002 Library of Congress